Supporting Gay Youth as a Way to Prevent Suicide

By Tristan Gorrindo, MD



Coming out of the closet is one of the hardest things that a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person will do.

“Coming out,” is the process of revealing to friends, parents, family members, and acquaintances that he or she is gay. It is more that just a simple act or decision to announce that a person is gay, but rather a process that unfolds overtime, usually in small steps. For many people, it involves telling one person, then a group of friends or family members, then classmates or co-workers, and finally the world at large. But for each person, the journey is different and often filled with emotional ups and downs.

Recent events in the national media have highlighted the issues surrounding coming out and youth suicide. By some estimates, as many as nine gay youth died by suicide since September 1, 2010. Government officials and celebrities have publicly referred to this as a national crisis.



Many population scientists have tried to understand why gay teens are at such high risk for suicide -- by some estimates 7 times the national average for their age. And although there are many possible contributors to what might make a gay teen suicidal, we must first remember that all teens, gay and straight alike, are struggling with basic questions about self-identity.



A friend of mine once described being a teenager is like, “being at a costume ball where the costumes and guests are constantly changing.” As part of normal teenage development, teens are “trying on” different roles, different groups of friends, and even different kinds of dress. It is a time when teens are first experimenting with the idea of romantic relationships and at the same time trying to separate from their parents. Gay teens have the added burden of sorting out the confusing, often negative messages from the culture about what it means to be gay. When these ingredients mix -- unsure sense of self-identify, novice experience with romance, trying to separate from one’s parents, and fear of what it means to be gay -- gay teens run the risk of feeling quite isolated and alone.



Regardless of one’s personal views of homosexuality, I think we can all agree on the importance of supporting our youth during difficult times. The American Psychiatric Association is committed to reducing the stigma around homosexuality and to promoting the psychological health of gay, straight, and bisexual individuals.



We owe it to our teens to make sure that they know that coming out is not a process that they have to go through alone. A wide variety of resources exist, from grass-roots YouTube videos which offer gay teens hope, as in The Make It Better Project, to 24-hour suicide hotline for gay teens offered through The Trevor Project. Additionally, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline also is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts. The Healthy Minds website is a source of clear factual information on sexual orientation. And let us not forget the parents that may also be struggling with how to help their gay child; for them there is support and advice offered through PFLAG.

Read more »

Posted in: gay/lesbian/bisexual,getting help,LGBT,parenting,sexual orientation,stigma,suicide prevention,teens,Tristan Gorrindo MD

TXT me when U get there: Helicopter parenting as kids go off to college

By Tristan Gorrindo, M.D.



Thousands of teenagers have headed to college and for many it is the first time that they lived away from home. And while this process of separation is often anxiety provoking for the college freshman, their parents may be equally anxious.



With modern technology, it has never been easier to stay in touch. Text messaging, cell phones, social networking websites, video chatting and email, have all made constant contact simple and expected. But at times it can go too far. In my clinical practice I have heard stories of parents who call each morning to wake their child up for class; parents who panic if they don’t get at least two text messages a day from their child; or, even parents who require that their child parade new college friends in front of a Skype camera before granting permission for their teen to befriend them.



But what is the developmental cost of this collegiate level helicopter parenting? Certainly parents want (and should) be involved in the lives of their child as they branch out into adulthood, but when parents’ constant checking in distracts or disrupts the process of development, college-aged kids have a problem.



The goal of moving away to college is just as much about forming one’s identity as it is about late-night cramming and classes. Further, it is a time for the young adult to develop self-reliance and responsibility for one’s actions. It’s also a time for teens to form new friendships. Well-meaning, but over-eager parenting has the ability to disrupt all of these normal developmental steps. Young adults need the chance to find others to depend on, to learn to pick up after their own disappointments, and to experiment with new behaviors without having to report back.



The exact amount of contact that parents and their college kids should have is a personal negotiation between each child and each parent. The best time for such negotiation is before a child departs for college, preferably before both parent and child are deep in separation anxiety. Parents need ground rules about how often they should expect texts from their child and guidance about how long they should wait before panicking if a phone call isn’t returned or a Skype call goes unanswered.



Kids can be asked how they would like to be contacted, and with what frequency. Establishing a regular routine around check-ins -- like calling Dad each Sunday morning on the phone for a debriefing of the past week and planning for the week to come -- can go a long way in managing parental anxiety. Perhaps, after a few weeks at school, parent and child can check-in on how these check-ins are going. With some experience at being apart, students may want to adjust the type and quantity of contact that they have with their parents.



Never before have college students and their parents had such a rich array of ways to stay engaged with one another. While kids continue to benefit from their parents guidance and interest, they also need to know that their parents believe in their new skills to pilot their own planes.

Read more »

Posted in: college,parenting,teens,Tristan Gorrindo MD

Teach Teens and (Yourself!) how to W.A.I.T

By Tristan Gorrindo, M.D.





By now, over 80 percent of teens have an account with Facebook, Twitter, or some other social networking site. A common feature on almost all of these sites is the ability to share with your friends whatever is on your mind. Commonly these posts appear on a “wall” or other profile page for everyone to see.





Postings come in several versions: short bits of text, pictures, movies, and links to other websites. And the content of these posts can range from mundane observations about the weather, to the exuberant joy of being accepted to a highly desirable college, and everything in between. With the average teen having hundreds of “friends” on Facebook every post is fairly public event.





Teenagers are often defined by their impulsivity and their limited appreciation of long-term consequences. As a child psychiatrist, I see how poorly thought through social network posts can have real-life consequences. For example, a teen facebooking, “I’m so mad at Jessica, I could kill her,” might result in suspension from school. Even posts about, “getting wasted last night,” can have consequences for participation in school athletics or college recruitment if adults stumble across them.





In my work with teens, I try to get them in the habit slowing down the entire process of posting, with the hope that they’ll think before they post. One such tool I’ve created is the mnemonic W.A.I.T.





W. Wide-audience





“W” asks the question: Would I say this in front of a school assembly? If a teenage boy, for example, has 800 friends on Facebook, it is then helpful for have him visualize standing in from of 800 peers at an assembly school assembly reading his Facebook posting aloud. Still sound like a good idea?





A. Affect





“A” asks the question: Am I in a good emotional place right now? Drawing from the basic notion that thoughts and feelings are connected, here teens learn to think about the ways in which their mood might be affecting what they are about to say.





I. Intent





“I” asks the questions: Might my intent be misunderstood? The teen tries some perspective-taking to determine if his or her comment might be misunderstood.





T. Today





…tomorrow, or the next day? “T” asks the question: Can this wait a day? In an effort to slow the emotional drive that pushes teens to post to the Internet, this intervention asks teens to evaluate the urgency of what they are about to say. Why is it so urgent? What will happen if I wait?





I recognize that it’s unrealistic to expect that teens will W.A.I.T. every time they want to share something on a social media site, but I ask the teens I work with to write it on a post-it and stick it on their computer with the hope that it’ll slow them down. Using this technique, teens learn a structured way of evaluating whether or not something belongs on the Internet. It also provides clinicians and parents with a structured conversation tool to engage teens in discussions about what they are posting online.





Happy posting.

Read more »

Posted in: internet safety,teens,Tristan Gorrindo MD